by Jed Pilapil-Sy
January 28, 2007

It is by God’s grace that I am able to sit down at this very moment and have all these thoughts and feelings put into writing. I was at first hesitant to do this knowing this will only cause me trouble. But with all my fervent prayer, I fully understand God’s message to me which prompted me to do this, believing that His words spoken to me is powerful and can truly be of a big help even to the extent of making a difference in the lives of other people.

Many times I’ve been full of confusion and doubts to the point that I lost hope because of injustice. But deep inside my heart I know I should not think this way because God has a purpose in everything that happens to me.

It was two years ago when I was brought to the PDEA [Philippine Drug Enforcement Agency] office. I almost lost my sanity thinking I will be in prison—A DUNGEON! I cried day and night because I was helpless. My three-year old daughter and my loyal house-helper Daday were the only persons I was with while the policemen were interrogating me. Everybody was looking at me especially the media people who never stop sensationalizing our case whether on TV or newspapers. They didn’t seem to bother digging the whole truth or even perhaps respecting our privacy. I felt depressed and did not know whom to turn to or trust, except to God who was then my only Defender. My heart was aching when I saw my baby for the first time so hungry because it was already past eight in the evening and we were still at the PDEA office. She was forced to eat the food offered to us. The rice was almost spoiled.

The worst thing that happened was when most of the people whom I called “friends” turned their back on me. But I don’t keep grudges against them because God is merciful and I prayed that their heart will be touched, especially one of my relatives who betrayed me after I put my trust in her, thinking she will handle my finances for me. To my surprise she left me all alone. There were lots of people who offered their help but again to my dismay, they were not actually helping but rather they added to my burden and took advantage of my situation.

I was hopeless then because I didn’t know what to do or where to turn to. I had unfinished business that needs to be settled but I can’t do anything about it being in prison. Neither could my family help me because they didn’t want to get into another problem. What I did was to LIFT UP everything to GOD, my worries, fears and confusion believing He will be the one to direct every step I will make. God heard my prayer and I am very thankful to those people who untiringly extended their support: my widowed mother Jessica who takes care of my little daughter, my auntie Daday, my best friend Liza, my fellow Church members, Mr. & Mrs. Macaraeg and their family for their heartfelt prayers and support, to all those people who spent their time to visit me personally in jail and to all the people who continue to believe in me and trusted me for who I am, especially our jail guards.

With all these, I have learned that in every problem we encounter, the first and foremost solution I have to take is TURN TO GOD and fervently pray without ceasing to help us what to do and guide every decision we will make because everything will turn out well if we really believe in Him and trust Him fully in His power.

I can never turn back the time when I should have obeyed and followed His commands, especially the keeping of the Sabbath Day which I took lightly, thinking God will understand why I have to work on the Sabbath, trying to find reasons—an alibi to justify myself but only to find out what a big mistake I made.

I hope this will also help you realize my mistake because I don’t want you to reach the point of no return.

I have lots of questions and confusion over why my brother and me have to suffer for this when in fact we are completely innocent of the crime. No matter how I explain to the people around me, to our lawyers, to everyone who are asking me… NOTHING CHANGED! I even wanted to SHOUT to tell EVERYBODY, especially to the FISCAL and JUDGE of RTC branch 9, that WE DON’T DESERVE TO BE HERE IN JAIL! But, I’ve come to realize GOD loves us and purposely put us in jail to spiritually train us to live blamelessly and to have eternal life with Him.

The incident is still fresh in my mind when my whole world turned to a nightmare that I don’t even want to talk about it. I lost my beloved husband Allan who is until now missing and we don’t even know where he is or what really happened to him; also my precious baby girl, Tintin. I almost went insane when she was taken home to our province with my relatives on the evening of January 4, 2005 because I was locked up in bars. I shouted for justice—why should I be put to jail?—but the PDEA fell deaf to my plea. It was so painful that I could hardly accept what happened. To summarize this whole matter, again: THIS IS GOD’S WILL—HE HAS A PURPOSE!

Now, I am here in jail for more than two years, and one thing that I am always grateful for is THE GRACE OF GOD and His Holy Spirit which gave me and continues to give me strength to move on, face this trial, and overcome my weaknesses. It is nice to say THANK YOU GOD, THANK YOU FOR THE WONDERFUL BLESSINGS but I realized it is not enough to be thankful only but I should also do something in return, though He did not expect me to do it. If we can do a favor to people who did something good to us, why can’t we do also that favor to God? If we can love our husband and our children, that we are willing to sacrifice everything for them, why can’t we do the same to God?
Different people look at me differently, or should I say judge me according to what they see in me. But for me, WHAT IS IMPORTANT is how I respond to the calling that God offers me.

Yes, when I first entered this jail, I thought this was a big shame, suffering and persecution BUT contrary to all these, I FOUND OUT through my personal experiences with the help of the Holy Spirit and God’s wisdom, that I should count it as joy because God gave me the chance to reform, to repent and to persevere so that I will become A BETTER PERSON and be a good example to my fellow inmates and the people around me (1 Peter 3:8-17). I admit, I was so weak during my stay here in jail that I came to the point of committing STUPID DECISIONS and mistakes simply because I was spiritually weak and had taken for granted His commands and the very purpose why I have stayed in jail for this LONG!

When people asked me why I made those STUPID DECISIONS, I felt ashamed and blamed myself. Why did I let go of what I thought WAS RIGHT? But then it was also a blessing in disguise for all those trials I went through has made me stronger. I thank the people behind me (DCFJ personnel) who boldly reprimanded my faulty decisions especially my brother, JingJong, my beloved mother, Jessica, and even the criticisms I received from my fellow inmates… WHAT A BLESSING they are for me! I was so sorry for what I did that I almost lost the relationship of my family but with God’s grace, everything turns out well now, though I know that this is not the end of my test of faith—not only to me but even to my brother and my mom. Surely, all of us learned and realized the things we need to change and consider.

Learning does not end there but I believe we need to KEEP ALL THOSE THINGS WE LEARN and most importantly DO THOSE THINGS RIGHTFULLY to avoid the same trouble.

My life in jail is full of challenges everyday, renewed day by day, trying to live my life the way God wants it to be OR should I say according to HIS WILL and WAY! It’s easy to say, I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE and SUBMIT to HIS WILL but IN REALITY it’s REALLY HARD knowing that we are living in this present evil world where there is very little room for the godly way of life because people are more focused on how to cope in their busy life longing for fame and power, to earn a living rather than ABIDING in God’s Commandments and His Laws.

I’ve been asking God in prayer to set me and my brother free; I understand why until now we are still here. It’s because we have not yet matured spiritually and have not faithfully followed His commands. I was struck with this Bible verse in 1 John 3:22 which says, “And whatsoever we ask, we receive of Him, because we KEEP HIS COMMANDMENTS and DO THOSE THINGS that are pleasing in His sight.” Probably, we were not able to please God because until now He has not yet given us our request. It teaches me patience to wait for His answers in His time.

I was weak but now I realized that all these pains, stupid mistakes I made and persecutions have contributed much for me to grow spiritually. I praise God for filling me with HIS WORDS through my Bible Study because it greatly helped me open my mind to understand the things I’ve been through and be more equipped with spiritual knowledge whenever I will encounter trials in my life.

When I tried to recall all these things, I AM OVERWHELMED WITH JOY to KNOW that GOD is with me, though I went through those fiery troubles in my life, I STAND FIRM in my FAITH and ABIDE IN HIS COMMANDS. I asked God to give me WISDOM to discern right from wrong because no matter how much riches I have in the material and mental aspects of my life, I consider myself nothing if I DO NOT HAVE THAT WISDOM, the wisdom from heaven and not wisdom from this earth. James 3:17: “But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all PURE, then PEACE-LOVING, CONSIDERATE, SUBMISSIVE, FULL OF MERCY and GOOD FRUIT, IMPARTIAL and SINCERE.”

I believe I do not have the right to boast for what I have right now. And this is because of GOD’S GRACE. That is why I am fervently praying to God that other people may also have all these so that we can live peaceably with our fellowmen and most of all with God.

It is indeed an honor and privilege to GET WISDOM because not all can have this gift. But God has promised to give this to us if we fear Him. According to James 1:5, “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives it generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to Him.”

We need to FEAR GOD so that we can attain that wisdom as what He told us in Proverbs 9:10, “ The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom and the knowledge of the Holy is understanding.”

Now, I realized that in all aspects of our life, no matter who we are or what we have, WE NEED TO FEAR GOD—this does not mean fright or terror BUT RATHER it means a good relationship with Him based on reverence and respect for Him and His commands, living in righteousness BECAUSE AFTER ALL, what is the very purpose of our life? Is it not SALVATION? How can we be saved if WE DO NOT START to change our lives, to do those things that are pleasing in His sight?

I believe there is always hope and room to change as long as we live but we should start now before we regret and suffer the consequences.

Of all these things I said, I am praying these will help us open our minds to the truth and give us a lesson to learn, to keep and to do. I am not saying I am fully righteous or perfect because no one is yet perfect, but WE NEED TO STRIVE hard to live in righteousness as God requires.

LIFE IS NOT A BED OF ROSES, so let us not wait when God will punish us for our wrongdoings. Let us not be part of those people who do not fear God as what He said in Romans 3:18: “THERE IS NO FEAR OF GOD BEFORE THEIR EYES.”

To conclude my reflections, I have a very important Bible verse which I also want you to remember in whatever things we do and say because it helped me a lot to come to realize all these things.

ECCLESIASTES 11:9: “Follow the ways of your heart and whatever your eyes see, but know that for all these things God will bring you to JUDGMENT.”

ECCLESIASTES 12:13-14 “Now all has been heard: Here is the conclusion of the matter: FEAR GOD and KEEP HIS COMMANDMENTS for this is the WHOLE DUTY OF MAN. For God will bring every deed into JUDGMENT including every HIDDEN THING whether it is good or evil.

© 2007 United Church of God, AIA - Pilipinas